


Forget Regret (Or Life is Yours to Miss)

by najaemarkl (softjoonie)



Series: dreaming in musicals [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cancer, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Jeno has cancer, Jeno likes books, Kissing, More angst than necessary in my opinion, Rent AU, minus the aids and drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjoonie/pseuds/najaemarkl
Summary: Jeno doesn't want baggage without a lifetime guarantee even though that baggage is four years old and lies within Jaemin's eyes.or, the roger and mimi au no one asked for.





	Forget Regret (Or Life is Yours to Miss)

**Author's Note:**

> this is part of a series based off musical numbers. i'm sorry for any hearts i broke. also:  
> mark: joanne  
> renjun: mark  
> jeno: roger  
> donghyuck: maureen  
> jaemin: mimi  
> chenle: angel  
> jisung: collins  
> just for future reference if i do another one based off of rent.   
> songs to listen to:  
> 1\. another day  
> 2\. without you  
> 3\. goodbye love  
> 4\. your eyes  
> (pretty much any song with mimi and roger)

Jeno shivers as the doctor moves around the small office space. She’s looking for something, probably a pair of gloves.

His feet hang off the examination table and he swings them out of pure nervousness.

The older woman turned around when she found the gloves, muttering a soft ‘aha!’. “So, where did you say you felt a lump?” she asked him, smiling gently. His mouth ran dry as he watched her slip the rubber onto her hands.

“Um… Under my arm? R-Right here,” he mumbled, raising his left arm over his head. She hummed, taking Jeno’s arm into her hand.

“Does it hurt at all when you touch it? Is it sore or uncomfortable?”

He gulps, nodding at the question. “It hurts when I put my arm down or touch it. It’s like… It’s like it’s sore and bruised, almost? Like, y’know when you have a bruise and you press on it? Sorta like that, with a little stinging,” He breathes, looking up at the woman. She’s still smiling softly at Jeno, her eyes kind, just as they’ve always been the past 18 years of his life.

She hums, looking to where Jeno gestured to. “Right. If it hurts, let me know, alright?” He nods again, waiting for her fingers to press down against the sensitive skin.

**  
  
**

“Lee Jeno?” A voice calls out his name, it sounds soft and kind. Gentle, even.

Jeno stands, up from the uncomfortable plastic chair, though, at this point, nothing is comforting to the boy. His legs are shaky as he walks towards the nurse who smiles at him, leading him to a back room. It looks almost like every other doctor’s office he’s ever been to. The walls are white, it smells distinctly of disinfectant spray. The only difference from a regular doctor’s office is the chair that’s sat in the middle of the room. “Have a seat for me. I’ll be right back with the doctor.”

He looks around the room, muttering an “okay” as the woman leaves. The door clocks shut and the blonde boy lets out a breath he wasn’t aware he was holding. His body deflates as he sits in the chair, pulling his legs up as he lays back. His head feels heavy and he feels nauseous. He doesn’t want to be poked and prodded, he doesn’t want to wait for them to find a vein just so they can tell him what he already knows, what he’s already accepted.

The room is quiet, nearly silent if it weren’t for the sounds of people moving about the hall outside the door and the air conditioning.

He pulls at his sweater sleeves tighter.

There’s a knock on the door a few minutes later, Jeno’s voice coming out feeble as he mutters, “Come in.”

The woman comes back in, the doctor following suit. He bows to Jeno who returns it with a weak nod of his head. “Hi! You must be Jeno. I’m Dr. Seo. Nurse Choi and I are going to take some samples of your blood, okay? Then we’ll send them to the lab and call you with the results.”

Jeno grimaced. He already didn’t like this place. Didn’t like the doctor, the nurse, or the way the doctor was setting up the vials and needles.

“Pull your sleeve up and set your arm right here for me,” the nurse instructed, getting a tourniquet ready. Jeno pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt as high as it’d go, thankful he’d chosen a bigger one for the trip.

“Where’s your mom?” The woman asked him, rubbing his arm down with alcohol after wrapping the rubber around his arm. The tourniquet was tight and uncomfortable. Almost like everything about the situation he was in.

“She’s working… She didn’t have time to take off to come with me,” he breathes, closing his eyes when he feels the needle slip into his skin. “She works a lot.”

The nurse hums, connecting the vial. Jeno looks down and watches it fill with the liquid that courses through his veins.

**  
  
**

“Jeno!”

The now black haired boy lifts his eyes from his book. He’d been reading a lot lately. There isn’t much he can do now that he’s been properly diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. He reads and visits life support meetings but that can only do so much for him. His first chemo treatment is in three days.

His eyes scan over his boyfriend’s face. Jaemin looks pretty--he always looks pretty. But, right now he looks prettier than usual. Maybe it’s the way the sun is streaming in through the library window.

“What’s up?” Jeno places his bookmark in between page 152 and 153 before closing the book. He always gives Jaemin his full attention. He deserves it.

The pretty boy before him whines and stretches his legs out to rest over Jeno’s on the small couch nestled in the corner of the library. “Can’t we do something else instead of going to the library? I’m bored,” Jaemin exasperates. Jeno shrugs, resting his palm over the other’s shin, rubbing softly.

“What do you wanna do?”

“I wanna go out! I wanna go to a park or the aquarium or somewhere that isn’t the library!”

Jeno frowns, the corners of his eyes tilting downward along with his lips. His parents don’t allow him to do much.

“Oh! Let’s go to the skate park! We can visit Mark hyung and Jisungie!” He says excitedly, his voice somehow never getting any louder than when he’s just whispering to Jeno in his bedroom when he’s trying to sleep. “Renjun said he’d meet up with us after he’s done tutoring Chenle.”

It wouldn’t kill me to get out into the sun, he thinks. And it wouldn’t, as long as he doesn’t try anything more than walking and steers clear of the beginner’s bowl, he should be fine. Besides, it’s summer. He should enjoy the sun and fresh air before he’s stuck in his room wearing a paper mask until his chemo and radiation treatments are finished.

“Sure, let’s go.”

The two walk down the street, Jaemin’s pinky linked to Jeno’s. Jeno’s bag is full of anything his mom thinks he’d need in an emergency along with a few new books he’s checked out.

They’re passing a dog cafe when Jaemin speaks up. “Since when do you read so much?”

Jeno looks at Jaemin with a furrow in his eyebrows. “What do you mean? I’ve always been a reader.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes and Jeno can’t help but feel fond. “Lee Jeno, the last time I saw you reading this much was in seventh grade when you thought it’d be “cool” and “edgy”.” Jeno flushes at the reminder of his seventh-grade self, back when he wore the tightest jeans he could find and wanted everyone to call him No.

He shrugs. “I dunno, I just… Wanted to start reading more. It’s a good way to clear my head, you know?” He lets go of Jaemin’s pinky, bringing both hands up to hold onto the straps of his backpack.

“Let me borrow one sometime?”

The younger boy tilts his head down just slightly, that pretty smile he has laced on his lips. Jeno watches his eyes flicker from his own to his lips.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Next time you stay over you can pick one out.” Jaemin grins, his soft smile growing into a beaming one that causes Jeno to grin back.

“How about on Friday? That’s my last day of freedom before mom and dad ship me off to that soccer camp on Saturday.”

Jeno laughs, shoving him gently. “You say that like you’re not excited about getting to play soccer for two weeks straight.”

Jaemin beams at him as he moves to walk in front of him, back turned to the world as he watches Jeno. “I’m excited about the soccer. I’m not excited about how much I’m gonna miss you.”

The older boy stops, his cheeks flushing as he covers his face to hide it. “Nana,” he whines, dragging out the last vowel. Said boy simply chuckles before he grabs onto Jeno’s wrists to pull his hands from his face. He intertwines their fingers, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Jeno’s lips.

“You’re cute when you blush.”

Jeno rolls his eyes and this time, it’s Jaemin’s turn to melt when he notices the tips of his boyfriend’s ears tinted a soft rosy color. “So? What about this Friday?” Jaemin’s eyebrow quirks. “You, me, your books, and a marathon of Yu-Gi-Oh so Mark stops bothering us about “What do you mean you haven’t seen it? What have you been doing with your life? It’s better than Pokemon!”

Jeno hums out a chuckle before remembering that Friday is the day of his first chemotherapy session. “I can’t,” he mumbles, eyes turning sad as he watches Jaemin lower their hands.

“Why not?”

“I… I have a doctor’s appointment.” Jaemin nearly pales at the words.

“What? For what? You’re not sick, are you? Jeno, I told you to-”

The younger boy is cut off by Jeno’s lips slotting against his for a moment. He sighs softly as he moves his own lips against Jeno’s. When they pull away, Jeno’s smiling softly.

“One, I’m alright, so calm down. Two, you’re cute when you’re worried.”

Jeno’s chest is met by Jaemin’s hand slamming into it as he shouts at him, Jeno only laughing as he holds onto his boyfriend’s fingers.

**  
  
**

Renjun sits on Jeno’s bed, his fingers playing with a loose string on Jeno’s comforter.

“So,” he starts, voice soft like always. “So, you have cancer?”

Jeno’s eyes flutter shut as he winces at the words. It doesn’t sound good coming from his own lips, his parents’, his doctor’s. It definitely doesn’t sound good coming from his best friend’s. “Yeah. Stage II Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”

“When’d you find out?”

“Just over two weeks ago…”

Jeno hears Renjun sigh. He’s standing by the door, afraid that if he sits down, Renjun’s gonna up and leave the room. His eyes are closed still when he hears the springs of his bed creak and he waits for Renjun to tell him to move out of his way. Except that doesn’t come. Instead, he feels the older boy’s arms wrap around his neck as his chin settles on top of his shoulder. Jeno’s shocked but accepts the hug. He basks in it, burying his face in Renjun’s own shoulder as the tears start to fall from his eyes and his body shakes.

He’s scared. He’s so scared. Not so much of getting worse, since his doctor told him he was relatively early in stage II. He’s scared of what his body’s going to endure, what the chemo’s gonna do to him, what his body’s going to feel after the radiation treatments (though he’s been told it’s relatively painless, quick, and easy), how weak he’s going to feel.

Renjun’s warm palm rests on his back, running in soft circles as he consoles the taller boy. They don’t share any more words.

**  
  
**

Jaemin’s sitting on Jeno’s lap, laughing at something the older boy’s said. His eyes are crinkled at the sides and Jeno’s got his hands resting on Jaemin’s hips to steady him. Jaemin’s been back from his soccer camp for about two weeks. This is his last week of rest before he goes back to the hospital for his second chemotherapy cycle.

The side effects weren’t instant like he expected them to be. His hair hasn’t begun falling out any more than it usually does and his body feels the same amount of fatigue as it did before. He felt a little nauseous after each treatment but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.

“So, what have you been up to while I was away, hm?” Jaemin’s smiling so incredibly fondly down at him and he can’t help the way his heart picks up its pace.

They haven’t able to get together much lately. Jaemin’s parents have been dragging him around Seoul along with Jeno’s parents not wanting him to do anything too strenuous. His only options so far have been his bed and the library and Jaemin wasn’t a fan of the library.

The curtains in Jeno’s room have been drawn shut and the only source of light in the room is coming from the little lamp on Jeno’s bedside table. The soft lighting lights up the left side of Jaemin’s face and Jeno’s heart skips a beat.

He’s beautiful, he thinks, thumb brushing against his soft skin under his t-shirt. Jaemin giggles, his cheeks flushing.

“ _Thanks, you dork. You’re not so bad yourself_.”

Jeno blanches, his eyes widening as his own cheeks flush from having said that out loud.

“I… I-I mean--”

“So you don’t think I’m beautiful?”

Jeno blushes even harder, sitting up a little off his headboard to bury his face in Jaemin’s chest.

“No, that’s not what--You know I--Ugh.”

Jaemin laughs heartily, Jeno’s own body rumbling with the vibrations of it. “I know what you mean, babe. I’m just teasing you.”

Jaemin’s fingers run through Jeno’s hair and the older boy practically purrs. His eyes close as he wraps his arms tightly around Jaemin’s waist. It’s silent for a moment, the softness of the moment seeping into the raven-haired boy’s bones. He nearly falls asleep.

“Damn, Jeno, are you shedding or something?”

Jeno jolts, his eyes wide as he looks at Jaemin’s hand, where sure enough a few too many strands of his hair rests in his palm.

“Uh,” he blinks, not quite understanding. “It’s just hot out, you know? We’re animals, we shed, too!” His voice comes out rushed and Jaemin shushes him, chuckling.

“I’m just teasing you, relax.”

**  
  
**

“When are you gonna tell him?”

Jeno’s eyes lifted from his computer screen. He was in the middle of writing his midterm paper on why school and homework only rot your brain rather than help you for his intro to psychology class he’d decided to take. Renjun stands in the doorway of his bedroom. He looks apathetic, his head tilted and face blank. Jeno knows he’s anything but.

The younger shrugs, going back to typing at his keyboard. He hears the sound of Renjun’s feet padding across the carpet flooring, only for him to perch himself on the edge of Jeno’s bed. “You’ve gotta tell him at some point, Jen.”

Jeno sighed, saving his work before moving his laptop to rest beside him, the lid closed. “I will… I’m going to, I just--How do you tell your boyfriend you have cancer and you’re afraid of what your body is going to become?” His voice was soft, like usual, except this time he sounded afraid. Worried? Anxious. His knees pulled to his chest, chin on top, he closes his eyes.

“He’s gonna find out sooner or later, Jeno, and honestly? Telling him now that you’ve started chemo is probably as good a time as ever.” Renjun rested a comforting hand on his arm, looking at his friend with sincerity.

Jeno laughs a soft, quiet sound that fills his room with the smallest bit of light. Jeno thinks about chemotherapy--about how much it sucks to be losing his hair, how much he hates that he can’t eat what he wants or how his mouth is sore and in pain all the time or the bruises that cover his shins and arms from the smallest bumps.

He can’t bear to think of what Jaemin will say when he meets him at the library or in his dorm room or down by his car in the parking garage and sees the patches of hair missing from his scalp that he’s got to hide with a beanie. He can’t imagine the way he looks at him when he says, “I have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma but don’t worry! The doctors say I have a 92 percent chance of beating it!”. When he tries to imagine it, his heart clenches uncomfortably and he ends up running to the bathroom to vomit in the shared toilet. He remembers the look on his face the first time he told him he had a doctor’s appointment. The poor boy nearly had a fit over him.

Renjun pats his arm, bringing him from his reverie. “I’m not asking you to tell him right this minute. I’m not even asking you to tell him this week, no one’s asking you to do that, Jen. But just… Think about it. Yeah?” The Chinese boy stands up, smiling at Jeno before moving to lay next to him rather than sit.

Jeno mulls it over in his head. He knows he has to tell Jaemin at some point. He has to tell him before it gets worse. Before he gets worse.

He lets his mind go blank before unfolding himself and laying out on his bed next to Renjun, pulling the covers over him until his brain turns off for a few hours and he naps.

**  
  
**

The next time he thinks about telling Jaemin, the two are snuggled up together in Jaemin’s tiny dorm room bed. His roommate is out for the night, staying at his own boyfriend’s apartment.

Jaemin’s got his fingers roaming the expanse of Jeno’s neck, the two of them smiling at each other. Jeno’s finished up his second round of chemo treatment and he decided he needed to see Jaemin.

They’re giggling at each other when Jeno reaches to tickle the other’s side. Jaemin pushes him away, gasping and reaching to grab his forearm when he nearly tumbles off the bed.

Jeno gasps back, ripping his hand away with wide eyes before noticing the confused look on Jaemin’s face. He can see the furrow deeply ingrained between the boy’s eyebrows. “Are you okay?” He asks carefully, bringing Jeno’s arm back to him to kiss the spot where he grabbed.

“I… Yeah, yeah I’m fine! Just startled me when I couldn’t feel the bed anymore,” He lies through his teeth, giving the younger a toothy smile that erases the worry and confusion right off of Jaemin’s pretty face.

Nimble fingers brush over Jeno’s bicep and up his shoulder. The pads of soft fingertips trail over a sharp jawline and over a flushed cheek. Jaemin’s thumb pushes against Jeno’s plush bottom lip before he leans forward and closes the already small gap between them, kissing him gently.

Jeno starts to think about how he got this lucky, about how he was so lucky to have met the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen.

Jaemin had a face that girls wanted to kiss and guys wanted to have. He had a smile that melted everyone’s heart, lips that made you feel an irresistible urge to place your own lips against, and eyes that couldn’t help but fall into. And boy, did Jeno fall.

It was as if Jaemin had been created by Aphrodite herself.

Jaemin pulled back, resting his forward against his boyfriend’s. “You’re thinking again…” His voice came out gentle, calm, and steady.

Had he been thinking that hard? Could Jaemin hear his thoughts?

“What are you thinking about?”

The black-haired boy’s heart clenches at the question and he panics internally before he smiles cooly.

“Nothing, just you.” The blush that takes over Jaemin’s cheeks makes the squeeze on his heart lighten up and he laughs out loud, pulling the younger boy into his arms to kiss those plump, pink cheeks.

“God, why did I pick you?” Jaemin asks playfully, burying his head into the elder’s chest.

Jeno laughs at the question, tucking Jaemin’s head beneath his chin. He ponders the words that slipped from the boy’s mouth, though he knows it purely out of fun.

 _Why did he pick me_?

“What?”

Jeno startles for the third time and Jaemin’s eyeing him carefully. “What?”

“What did you say?”

“Huh?”

Jaemin just sighs, knowing he isn’t going to get an answer.

They lay together for a while, sharing sweet kisses and soft words, Jeno running his fingertips along Jaemin’s spine. He’s dressed in Jeno’s sweatshirt that’s grown to smell more like the younger boy than himself and a pair of boxers. He can’t help but admire how endearing the sight is.

**  
  
**

Standing in the mirror, Jeno sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair and groans when he feels another clump of his dark tresses in his palm. He hates the feeling. He hates waking up each morning with more and more hair resting on his pillow. He hates the way it doesn’t fall out evenly or how he has to wear hats all the time to hide the empty patches.

He eyes the clippers on his dad’s side of the sink and gets an idea that causes his fingers to twitch.

He sticks his head out of the bathroom and calls for his mom.

They’re standing in front of the mirror together now, Jeno’s mom smiling softly at her son. She has tears in her eyes as she plays with the ends of Jeno’s hair. He isn’t sure why she’s crying. Shouldn’t he be the one shedding tears over his hair? Shouldn’t he be the one scared and unsure?

“It just feels like once your hair is gone that this is gonna make it all real…”

Jeno pales at her words, confusion taking over his features. “What do you mean it’s gonna make it real? I have cancer, mom, of course, this is real…”

She shakes her head, tears slipping down her plump cheeks.

“Are you just pretending that I don’t have cancer? You can’t just brush it aside, mom!”

He moves away from her, startled that she’d said what she did. “Me having cancer is very real. And if I can come to terms with it, then so can you.”

“So, you want my brother to shave your head?”

Jeno stands on Mark’s door, hands shoved into the pocket of his sweater. He’s rocking back and forth on his heels with a baseball cap on his head. “Yeah… He’s a barber, right?”

Mark nods, stepping to the side to let Jeno into the small house. Mark lives a few blocks down from Jeno, it’s a 15-minute bike ride to get there.

He walks further into the house after kicking his shoes off at the door. He smiles when he sees Mark’s mom sitting on the couch, folding the laundry. “Hi, Mrs. Lee,” he greets, standing near the stairs that lead up to the second floor. The older woman looks up from her laundry and beams.

“Lee Jeno! How are you, sweetheart?” She stands up after setting down what he assumes to be one of Mark’s t-shirts.

The boy is in his second year of college and still can’t do his own laundry, he thinks, laughing to himself.   
Mark’s mom envelopes Jeno in a hug, the boy returning it. Mark’s mom always gives him the best hugs, aside from Jaemin and his own mom of course, but he doesn’t want to think about either of them right now.

Jeno’s stomach flips when he thinks about facing Jaemin after this. He’s not going to have any choice but to tell him, now.

Mrs. Lee releases him after Mark’s mom coughs, saying something about embarrassing him, earning him a smack around the back of the head that causes Jeno to laugh.

“Jeno asked if hyung could shave his head,” Mark speaks, rubbing where his mom slapped him.

She looks at Jeno for a moment, confusion written all over her face. It makes Jeno’s skin crawl before he clears his throat. “I’ll explain later, I just… I really need Mark’s brother to do this for me, Mrs. Lee.”

The woman says nothing, simply smiling as she points upstairs. “He’s in his room.”

With a quick ‘thank you’, the two boys rush up to Mark’s brother’s room, Jeno careful not to move too fast.

“Hey, hyung?” Mark opens the door just a crack, just enough to peek his head through. When he opens the door all the way, he sees Mark’s step-brother Yoonoh tapping away at his own laptop.

“What’s up?”

Jeno is always taken aback by the way Mark’s step-brother looks. He’s handsome, way too handsome to be real, he thinks sometimes.

“Jeno wanted to know-”

“Can you shave my head?”

Yoonoh chokes on the water he was in the middle of drinking. “Can I _what_? Why do you want me to shave your head?”

Jeno twiddles with his fingers.

“I, uh… I’m kinda… Going through chemotherapy? And my hair’s sort of… Falling out?” He poses the confession as a question, his voice lilting on the ends of his words.

Jeno can see the way Mark’s eyes widen. “You're _what_?”

“Mark,” his brother snaps, eyeing the second oldest in the room. “Don’t be rude.”

Jeno breathes out a laugh. It was just like the Canadian boy to react that way. “Yeah, I have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, stage II. They diagnosed me over a month ago.”

Mark sits on Yoonoh’s bed, staring at Jeno. “You’re not joking, are you? You’re not just pulling my leg?”

Jeno shakes his head, grinning a bit. He’s glad Mark isn’t bombarding him with apologies. He’s tired of hearing people tell him they’re sorry. He takes his baseball cap off, shaking out his hair before running his hand through it. He pulls out a few strands and Mark and Yoonoh both let out noises, Mark’s being of awe and Yoonoh’s sounding something akin to understanding.

“Why don’t you guys head down to the garage and I’ll grab my stuff, yeah?”

Jeno sits in the barber chair, pieces of his hair scattering around him. The hum of the clippers fill his brain and he looks at Mark who’s standing in front of him. Yoonoh’s got steady heads, the blade passing by his ear for what seems like the hundredth time. He can feel the metal of the clippers passing over his scalp, Yoonoh having chosen to forgo any guards.

After brushing the hair off of Jeno’s shoulders, Yoonoh tells him it’s okay to stand up.

Jeno’s legs are shaky as he does so, Mark’s grin taking up his entire face. He lifts a hand to touch at his scalp, a little startled at the feeling of his hair being so… Short. He can’t remember the last time his hair was buzzed like this. It had to have been when he was in elementary school. His fingers play with the nearly minuscule strands, laughing to himself at how neat it feels.

“Can I touch it?” Jeno laughs at Mark who’s standing closer to him now, still grinning ear to ear.

“Yeah, go ahead!”

The two boys laugh at one another, Jeno feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders rather than another one weighing him down even more.

Jeno’s mom cries that night when he comes home with a shaved head and big grin.

**  
  
**

“ _I miss you_ ,” Jaemin’s voice fills Jeno’s ears. His voice is tinny and a little crackly due to the connection between their phones. They haven’t seen each other for almost two weeks, the last time they were face to face was days before Jeno shaved his head. He still can’t get enough of the way it feels. He enjoys the way wind feels against his scalp, although his head gets cold quite often.

His nurse at the hospital told him she quite likes the new look and it made him grin.

“I miss you, too, Jaem.” And he does. He misses Jaemin like crazy when the other boy isn’t around. But he’s scared. He doesn’t want Jaemin to see him like this. But he misses him. He feels the ache in his chest worsen when he hears Jaemin sigh down the line.

“ _When can I see you again? I called your mom and she said you’ve been cooped up in your room. Said you were sick_.”

Jeno can hear the frown in Jaemin’s voice.

“Uh, yeah… I came down with something recently. Doctor said she thinks it’s… The flu?” He hates the way his voice sounds. He hates that he’s lying through his teeth to Jaemin and he especially hates that he knows Jaemin can tell. His voice is soft and weak, much like it always is. His eyes are tired, his body weighs heavy, and the inside of mouth hurts too much for food to even sound remotely appetizing.

“ _Oh, baby_ …” Jaemin is pouting through the phone and Jeno can practically see it. It hurts. “ _Have you gotten tested_?”

“Y-Yeah! It was really uncomfortable,” he told him. It wasn’t exactly a lie. He is sick, and he did get tested, and he was uncomfortable. He was just merely… Stretching the truth. But it didn’t weigh any less on his conscience. He sighs through his nose.

“ _Something wrong_?” Jaemin’s concerned. He has every right to be and it makes Jeno’s skin crawl. He knows how caring Jaemin is.

“Jaemin… Nana…” Jeno starts, his throat feeling like it’s closing up. His hand shakes as he plays with a frayed string on his jeans. He can hear Jaemin shuffling on his dorm room bed. He winces thinking about how uncomfortable that bed is. He can picture Jaemin sitting on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward as he plays with his bottom lip in worry. “I--” The words get stuck in his throat and he feels himself choke a bit on them.

“ _Jeno_?”

Jeno breathes out heavily through his nose. He doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to Jaemin away but he also can’t stand the thought of deteriorating to the point that Jaemin thinks of him as weak.

 _He would never do that, dumbass_ , a voice tells him. It’s from deep in his mind and he tries to push it even further down.

“ _Baby_?” Jaemin’s voice startles him and he finds himself staring at the picture of the two of them on his desk.

Jaemin’s got his hands squishing his cheeks. It was their fourth date after Jaemin finally asked him to be his boyfriend. Jeno was so shocked that he stood in front of him completely speechless. Jaemin had grabbed his face when he stared dumbly at him and kissed him. The picture was taken by Renjun just seconds before.

“Jaemin, I think we should take a break…”

**  
  
**

“You did _what_?” Renjun stares at Jeno. He’d called him after hanging up on Jaemin. The other boy simply agreed, his voice and spirit sounding shattered despite him having agreed.

Renjun would’ve smacked him if it weren’t for the fact that he was doing chemo this week. That and the bruising.

Jeno sits in the same place on his bed, staring at the ceiling this time. “I… Renjun, I didn’t know what to do!”

“You didn’t have to fucking break up with him!” Renjun is shouting at him, and honestly? He has every right to.

Jeno winces. “I didn’t… I didn’t break up… With him… We’re just on a break.”

“Until when, Jen? Until he somehow magically finds someone else? Until your cancer gets worse? What are you going to do then, Jeno? What if you get worse and—and Jaemin—Jeno, why did you do this? Why did you really do this?”

Jeno sighs for what seems like the hundredth time today before closing his eyes. His head is pounding and his stomach feels like it’s eating itself.

His voice comes out weak, almost like it wasn’t even there at all. “I’m scared, Junnie…”

**  
  
**

Jeno hasn’t spoken to Jaemin in what seems like forever. It’s been three weeks since they’ve said anything to one another. Jaemin seems to be avoiding him, which he’s sort of grateful for.  He’s hung out with Renjun practically every day. The boy comes with him to most of his chemotherapy sessions and keeps him company for the three hours he’s stuck in the chair. They told Jisung and Chenle together on Thursday about Jeno’s cancer. Chenle cried when he saw Jeno’s bald head. Jisung hugged him and didn’t say anything, he just smiled. He was thankful for that.

They decided to tell Mark’s boyfriend Donghyuck on Saturday. He smiled at Jeno and told him he would be there for him the whole time, as did Mark.

Jeno’s on his fourth cycle of chemo and radiation now and that means it’s been four and a half months since he was diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

Today, he’s going in for a CT scan.

Renjun and Jeno’s father sit in the waiting room while Jeno undresses and puts on his gown.

He hates this gown. He hates the way it feels and how the back is always open. Thank God the nurses let him keep his boxers on.

When he lays on the table, he can hear the machine whirring to life as he’s slid back into the opening. His eyes are open as he answers any questions the doctors and nurses ask him. He can hear a soft beeping noise each time a picture is taken. The first time he got scanned, they let him see the spots his cancer was in. This time, he hopes it’s nothing like the first set of pictures.

“Are you hungry?” Jeno’s father asks once he comes out of the room where the scans were taken. Jeno shakes his head. He hasn’t felt like eating for weeks now and he isn’t sure if it’s because of the chemo, his cancer, or because he misses Jaemin so much. Probably all three combined, if he’s honest with himself.

It’s taken almost every muscle in his body to fight himself when he hovers over Jaemin’s contact. He just wants to hear his voice.

_“How is he?” He’s sitting across from Jisung and Mark, a mask covering his mouth as he plays with the rim of his cup. It’s filled with juice, coffee having been advised against by his oncologist. Mark eyes him from across the table._

_“He’s… He’s Jaemin. He won’t tell anybody how he’s feeling. But… I know he misses you. He’s spent a lot of time in his dorm, only really lets Donghyuck and_ Chenle _in, sometimes Jisung.”_

_Jeno’s heart aches at the thought of that beautiful boy--his beautiful boy--cooping himself up because he’s hurting so bad._

_“He went to the doctor two days ago, though. He goes to the library a lot, too,” says Jisung, who takes a bite of his chocolate cake. They decided to go to the small dog cafe near the skate park, the same one Jeno and Jaemin passed the first time he mentioned to the younger boy he was going to the doctor._

_“The... “ Jeno’s brows furrow at the mention of the other boy going to the doctor. “The doctor? Is he sick?”_

_Both Mark and Jisung shrug._

_“He didn’t say what he went for. Just said he had to go and not to worry.”_

Renjun’s hand finds its place on Jeno’s shoulder. He flinches only slightly. Renjun chuckles at him. “Easy, it’s just me,” he says softly. Jeno doesn’t like the doctor. He doesn’t like going to his primary doctor, the doctor at the lab, or this place. They all look the same, smell the same, and make him think bad thoughts.

“You thinkin’ about Jaem?” The brunette boy asks, looking up at his friend. Jeno’s eyes are lost, staring down a hallway as his dad signs some paperwork and waits for Jeno’s test results.

“Yeah.”

“What do you mean, it’s _spreading_?” Jeno sits in the uncomfortable plastic chair, across from his oncologist. His dad is yelling at his doctor, Dr. Lee, and he can’t hear anything past the garbled, jumbled, underwater sounds that seem to be coming from Dr. Lee’s mouth and his father’s.

Renjun’s hand acts as a familiar weight, an anchor, as it places itself on Jeno’s thigh.

Jeno’s eyes are wet. _Why are you crying?_

His chest feels tight and he grows short of breath. _Why can’t you breathe?_

His body feels heavy, like a dead weight. _Why are you dying?_

**  
  
**

When he wakes up, he finds himself surrounded by white. _Great, another doctor’s office_ , he thinks at first until he hears a steady beeping and realizes there’s an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. He looks to his side and sees Renjun laying in a chair. He looks tired. He is tired. He’s spent every minute he isn’t in a class with Jeno. He sits at Jeno’s desk and does his homework, he watches movies with Jeno, he helps Jeno get dressed and takes him to his chemo sessions with his dad. Renjun’s tired, but so is Jeno.

His legs and arms feel like dead weight and his head pounds. Why is so bright in here?

Jeno’s eyes scan the room after watching Renjun sleep in his chair. There’s a vase with flowers next to his bed and he sees a small card sitting next to it.

He reaches out to press the button to signal for a nurse.

As the door opens to his room, Renjun stirs in the chair. His eyes flutter open and he smiles at his best friend.

“Hey,” he whispers, almost scared to speak louder than that in fear of startling the boy in the hospital gown.

Jeno nods back, the oxygen mask being too much of a bother to speak through.

A man walks in dressed in light blue scrubs. He recognizes him as one of the nurses that helps him during his chemo sessions. Nurse Kim. He always brings him _two_ packs of cookies instead of one.

“Hi, Jen,” he beams, glad to see the boy awake. Jeno simply raises his hand to wave.

Nurse Kim moves closer, pressing a button on the bed to sit him up. “Want that mask off?” Jeno nods, and suddenly the mask is gone, resting on a rack next to his bed where monitors and wires are coming off of.

Renjun shuffles a bit in his chair, alerting Jeno. “You want some water?” Renjun asks him, tilting his head. He’s just glad to see Jeno awake.

“Uh,” Jeno’s voice comes out crackly, his throat dry. “Yes, yeah, thanks.”

Nurse Kim smiles and turns to grab Jeno’s water but not before telling him what a lucky guy he is to have Renjun as a friend. The two just blush.

Jeno’s hands move on top of the blanket to rub together nervously. “So, um… What happened?” He couldn’t bring himself to look at Renjun. He felt like if he did, he was going to burst into tears.

“You fainted. Hit your head on the floor pretty hard.” _That would explain the pulsing in his temples_. “The guys are out in the waiting room, so are your parents. And…”

Jeno’s heart stops for a second and he can’t help but chuckle when it shows on the monitor the palpitation in his rhythm.

“Jaemin?”

“Jaemin.”

He sighs softly. His hands are fidgeting again when Nurse Kim comes back in with his water.

“Your friends seem quite anxious to see you, Jeno. Want me to send them in?” Nurse Kim has a gentle smile on his face and it makes Jeno’s body relax when he hands him the little paper cup. The thought of Jaemin sitting out in the waiting room for him makes his hands tremble, though.

“Can you send in Mark and Jisung first? Junnie, you can go wait outside with the others, if you want.”

Renjun just smiles and stands, patting him on the shoulder before heading out the door. Jeno takes a sip of water.

Nurse Kim leaves again and in his place are Mark and Jisung. Mark sighs so loud Jeno thinks he can feel his breath from across the room. Jisung just smacks him in the back of his head much like his mother and step-brother do.

“Hey!” the black haired boy exclaims, staring at the youngest in the room with a fire in his eyes. It makes Jeno laugh.

“Hi, guys,” he smiles, only to be attacked by Jisung not two seconds later. Jeno startles when he feels his shoulder dampen and Jisung’s shoulders shake.

“God, you _dumbass_ -!”

“Watch your mouth-”

“Shut up, Mark!”

When Jisung stands, he sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve. Jeno grimaces but smiles nonetheless. “You had us scared shitless!”

Mark sighs at the boy’s language but doesn’t say anything.

Jeno frowns at the knowledge of his friends worrying about him. “I’m alright, I promise,” he tries to reassure but Jisung isn’t having any of it. It shocked him if he was being honest. He wasn’t used to Jisung being open about how he feels and despite the way it makes his stomach twist to know the boy was getting grey hairs over him, it was almost… Comforting.

The three boys chat for a few minutes before there’s a knock on the door, Chenle and Donghyuck demanding to have time with Jeno before visiting hours were over.

“We’ll see you later, alright? Don’t keep yourself up if you’re tired.” Mark smiles at Jeno, squeezing his hand on his way out the door. When Chenle and Donghyuck rush in, Jeno catches a glimpse of Jaemin. He looks weak.

The two boys sit on either side of the bed, Chenle immediately leaning in to hug Jeno. He can see where Jisung’s learning to open up from. Jeno hugs the blonde boy back as well as he can, the IV attached to his arm and oxygen monitor on his finger making it difficult to not get tangled up in the wires.

Donghyuck smiles at him, kissing his cheek before also hugging him. “How do you feel?” he asks, resting his palm on Jeno’s blanketed shin.

He shrugs, playing with the scratchy sheets. “About as well as anyone can after passing out. Head hurts and my eyes are a little foggy but-“

“I mean about your lymphoma.”

Jeno stops talking to think. He’s really not sure how he feels. He wasn’t expecting it to get worse. He thought the three hours, four days a week monthly chemotherapy sessions should’ve made the lymphoma diminish in size. He wasn’t expecting it to be gone completely but he wasn’t expecting it to grow, either.

“I’m… I don’t know. It’s scary, you know? First, the doctors tell you that you have a 92 percent chance of surviving… Then they tell you it’s dropped to 80. There’s an 80 percent chance that I’ll survive the next five years, but there’s also a 20 percent chance that I won’t; I’ll get worse. I—I think I’m scared, Hyuckie…”

Chenle’s sniffling just the slightest, holding onto Jeno’s hand. His grip is loose and he knows Chenle wants to hold tighter, so he squeezes the younger boy’s hand.

Donghyuck just nods, rubbing his hand over Jeno’s leg. “No one’s expecting you not to be scared. But we’re all with you. Whatever happens, we’re all gonna be here by your side. Me, Lele, Junnie, Mark hyung, Jisungie, and Nana.”

“How is he?” Jeno finds himself asking again. He needs to know. He looked weak and tired standing outside his door and he needs to know why.

Chenle and Donghyuck both let out little sighs.

This time, Chenle speaks. “Honestly? He’s been a mess.” Jeno’s heart cracks. “He misses you. He avoids Mark hyung and Jisung and sometimes, he even avoids Renjun. He said he finds it easier to stay in his dorm and busy himself with homework than to sit in a room with us.”

Jeno’s heart has a huge crack in it. The thought of the bright, lively boy locking himself away hurts. It aches and it stings and it feels like someone’s shot him. Jaemin was always one of the ones to be up for whatever, always wanting to live his life the most he could. That’s what made Jeno fall for him. He had a lust for life he couldn’t understand but never grew tired of, even if he had a hard time keeping up.

“What was his doctor’s appointment for?”

The two boys freeze, Donghyuck paling just the slightest as he avoids Jeno’s eyes.

“I… I think he should be the one to tell you about it.” Chenle nods in agreement, standing from the bed, Donghyuck following. Jeno winces a bit from a particularly harsh thump against his temple.

It’s a moment or three before anyone else comes back into the room. Jeno takes a second to lean his head back against the bed and stare at the ceiling. He breathes in and counts the ceiling tiles. He hates the doctor. He hates the hospital. He hates the way it looks, the way it smells. He hates the hospital more than anything. He doesn’t like these scratchy sheets they give you or the way it’s too white. It seems boring and bland and when the lights turn out, it makes his skin crawl.

He’s on ceiling tile number 45 when the door creaks open the slightest, drawing his attention away.

His breath catches in his throat when he looks to see Jaemin standing in the doorway. He’s wearing one of Jeno’s favorite sweatshirts, the hood pulled up to hide his tired face and dark under eye bags.

His voice comes out a whisper, cracking almost. “Hi, Jen.”

Jeno thinks he’s imagining Jaemin walking towards his bed. He thinks it’s all in his head when the boy sits down on the bed next to him and he for sure knows he’s crazy when Jaemin leans forward and presses their lips together.

His fingers tremble as they move up to clench in the front of his sweater. Jaemin’s lips feel chapped but soft all at once. They taste like strawberries and his hands feel like they’re meant to be placed upon his cheeks.

When they break away, Jaemin’s crying. His eyes are red and he’s sniffling but he doesn’t look angry or sad. Surprisingly, he lets out a laugh. It’s a soft chuckle, but it’s a laugh nonetheless and he hits Jeno’s chest gently. “I oughta beat your ass for scaring us like that, Jen!” And Jeno can’t help but smile and laugh back at the boy sitting beside him. His lips are tingling and he wants to kiss Jaemin again but he can’t. He thinks it’d be inappropriate at the moment.

“I missed you. I still miss you,” Jaemin breathes, playing with the linens resting over Jeno’s lap. “I’m not asking for you to explain this all to me yet, why you put us on a break, but I wish you would’ve told me about… You know, this,” he mutters, not bringing his eyes to look into Jeno’s. He gestures to the hospital bed and the room and the wires connecting him to the monitor that keeps beeping to his heartbeat. Jeno hurts. It always hurts.

“I’m sorry.” Jaemin looks up finally and it’s the first time in almost a month that Jeno’s looking into Jaemin’s pretty brown eyes. He can’t find it in himself to look away. The dark, coffee color sparkles with unshed tears as they watch. They simply watch one another. There’s no sound aside from the whirring of machines and everything going on outside the door. But, that’s outside--outside this little world they’re slowly building up within their minds, there inside that hospital room.

Jen’s hand finds its way from where it was resting on Jaemin's waist, above where it dips just the slightest, and up towards his face where it’s his turn to cup his cheek. Jaemin’s hand rests above it, his palm warm as he tangles their fingers. “I’m sorry for not telling you… I was just-”

“You were scared. I get it, Jeno. I do. You didn’t want this without a lifetime guarantee and you were only guaranteed five years.” Jaemin’s eyes flutter shut and he smiles, turning his head to leave kisses on Jeno’s fingers. The brunette boy inhales before letting it out through his nose. “I’ve been in this spot before. In this bed, in a hospital, scared. I know, Jeno…”

Jeno stares, a crease between where his eyebrows would be if the chemo hadn’t taken them, too. Jaemin reaches out to smooth it.

“What do you mean?” His mouth goes dry at the thought of Jaemin laying in his spot, bald, and hurting.

Jaemin smiled fondly, shaking his head. “I had Leukemia when I was four. Fought all the way up until I was nine. Then they said I was cancer-free and I started remission. It wasn’t aggressive, though. It was slow-growing. Chronic lymphocytic leukemia.”

“Is… Is that what you went back to the doctor for?”

Jaemin nodded, tilting his head as he smiled, still holding onto Jeno’s hand. “I go every year for a checkup just to make sure I’m still cancer-free.”

“And… Are you?” Jeno looks at Jaemin with worried eyes. He’d do anything to keep Jaemin out of a chair, to keep the drugs for chemo from flowing through his veins again.

“Nine years and counting, my dear.”

Jeno can’t help the grin that spreads on his face. His eyes crinkle into two pretty crescent shapes and Jaemin thinks he could stare at him for hours if he’d let him.

**  
  
**

Jeno’s on his last cycle of chemo now before his second round of radiation. He’s on his last round of chemotherapy before he goes in to take his second CT scan to determine whether or not his cancer is progressing or reducing. There’s a needle in his chest and he’s reading a new book he checked out at the library a couple days ago. Without school and being able to leave the house much, books really have taken up a good chunk of his time.

Renjun sits in a chair next to him, drawing in a sketchbook. He isn’t sure what he’s drawing, he never lets him see. The older boy just always tells him it’s nothing. “It’s just some doodles,” he’d tell him, closing the book before putting his pencil behind his ear.

Renjun likes going to the library for Jeno. He’s grown to understand the kind of books Jeno likes and what he doesn’t. He prefers historical fiction, much to Mark’s dismay who’s always trying to convince to read some new sci-fi novel he’s discovered. Jeno just laughs at him, telling him he’s "not into that nerd shit".

The pain inside his mouth is far worse than it was three months ago, and he’s much more fatigued. It’s distracting from his book, which is slightly disappointing since he’s so close to the end of it. He can feel his eyes drooping shut as he turns a page, head and stomach hurting simultaneously.

“Jeno!”

Droopy eyes snap open when Jaemin’s voice rings through the room. Jeno blushes when everyone else looks at him and Jaemin, some disturbed by the loud voice and others smiling fondly when Jaemin kisses Jeno on the cheek before sitting beside him on the arm of Renjun’s chair. He decides holding onto Jeno’s hand is needed and plays with his fingers.

“What’re you reading?” he asks, voice significantly quieter than it was a minute ago.

Jeno just shows him the cover the book, smiling as best he can. He’s too tired to speak and his mouth hurts too bad to even try. Jaemin gets it. He doesn’t ask for Jeno to do anything he doesn’t want him to or that seems too much for him.

Jaemin looks as pretty as ever sitting perched on the arm of the chair. His hair’s still a pretty light brown, his roots have just grown in. His lips aren’t chapped like they were two months ago when they’d kissed for the first time in three weeks. They looked healthy and plump and were a shade of rosy pink. Jeno wanted to kiss him but he was too far away.

Renjun smiled up at Jaemin before he returned to sketching in his book. The youngest watched him draw for a few seconds, his pretty lips pulled up into an endeared smile.

“Oh!” Jaemin jumps excitedly, moving to grab something out of the bag he’d dropped to the floor when he came in. “I brought back the book I borrowed from you. I even used it to write an essay on in my English composition class. It was… Wow.” He beamed down at Jeno, handing him the heavy, hardcover book. “And-”

Jeno closed his book, leaving his bookmark between two pages much like he had back when Jaemin was leaving for soccer camp. He quirked a brow at the boy before him as he dug through his backpack again. He pulled out two new books, both close in size.

“I thought,” Jaemin began, sitting back down next to Renjun, the books resting on his lap. “That since you’re tired from chemo, I could come over to your house on my off days and read to you… How’s that sound?” He seemed nervous if the ways he was fiddling with his fingers and the edge of books were anything to go by. It made Jeno’s heart flutter.

It tended to do that a lot as of late. Instead of the clenching and aching he'd endured, his heart felt light. It fluttered and skipped beats.

Jeno looked at Jaemin with a wide grin, despite the way his teeth touched against the sores in his mouth. Lifting his hand, he wiggled his finger for the younger boy to move closer to him. He did, and Jeno took the chance to press a soft kiss to Jaemin’s pillowy lips. “I’d love that, Nana.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: @najaemarkl


End file.
